Waking Up, Coughing

I’ve got the Awfuls. It isn’t a cold, it’s a sore throat and maybe bronchitis. The lady at the clinic said it’s viral so antibiotics won’t help. She’s sure it isn’t pneumonia, which is a very good thing. She prescribed sugar-free popsicles and ice cream. They do help temporarily, and so do ice packs on my chest. But I wake up in the night coughing instead of breathing.

So at 3 AM, well after the eclipse, when I wakened trying to turn my lungs inside out, my first thought was what am I doing wrong to catch this? What did I do wrong to make myself so vulnerable? The question immediately billowed out much larger — Where did I go wrong in my life that bought me to this moment? Eclipses seem present questions like that.

From deep in my still half-dreaming mind, the answer immediately came: nothing! This was so shocking that I froze halfway out of bed and nearly fell over.

Nothing? I thought. How could the answer to such a huge question be — nothing at all? I’d thought I’d need a lot of soul searching and would wind up with a long list of answers — mistakes, misbehaviors, wrong decisions, weaknesses, maybe even wickedness. But how could it possibly be nothing? Nothing at all?

I got back into my bed and tried to think about it, but kept slamming into the same brick wall — nothing. Nothing at all. Period.

Finally my mind stopped spinning in the same tight circle enough to let another thought in. It kinda tiptoed as if afraid to startle me again. “What’s the matter with what and where you are?”

“I’m sick and I feel horrible.”

“So? It happens to everyone.”

“But, if we did everything right — right thoughts, right action, right contemplation, and all the rest — surely our bodies wouldn’t do things like this.”

“Yes, they would. You’re not immortal, you know.”

“Of course I know that!”

“Let’s suppose you’re here to learn things. What teaches you the most — the things that go ‘right’ or the things that go ‘wrong’?”

I don’t much like the obvious answer to that. But I also realize that regarding myself as a failure when something goes wrong may just be getting in my way of learning what O Universe is trying to teach me. And, no, I’m not anywhere near ultimately understanding that. But I’m again reminded that all of the ‘negative’ things we know we don’t want to do to others, are not helpful when we do them to ourselves. Peace and love travel in circles — it’s better not to stop them anywhere.

“O, and by the way, you could be taking a bit better care of yourself. It probably wouldn’t have stopped you from getting this — it’s quite a nasty virus. Think about what you’d do differently for someone else and try doing for yourself. “

Morning Forest

I keep looking for a way to describe this forest in the early morning — clearly, concisely, poetically — because the forest is like a poem, rich and enchanting. But it constantly changes, and it’s very difficult to wrap words around something that is continually rebirthing. While I’m writing a word, the forest keeps evolving, needing other words instead.

The light is, of course, everchanging. There are no city lights here to make a continual glow — even the street lights are so distant I can’t see them. The birds know when morning is coming long before I do. They sing their chorus of many lightsome songs to greet it. This forest is part of a long migratory route with birds and butterflies and goddess only knows who else passing through at times of their own choices. The dawn confabulation changes with them. Three days ago there was a mountain blue jay outside my window — black crest above a brilliant blue feathers, brighter blue than the sky or ocean. I hadn’t seen him before nor have I since.

Marzipan, the tiny ginger cat, sits on the window ledge, wide-eyed every dawning. We watch together as trees begin to appear out of the dark shadows, but it will be a long time before the sun sends long, searching fingers in to light up the sides of a few trees while the rest remain shadowed. The sun may not get through for hours. It may not come through at all if the day stays cloudy.

Although I can’t see it happening, there is as much growing and stirring underneath the ground as there is above it. If I go outside and quietly stand barefoot, the life below is quite apparent. And there are liminal voices, like the voices in the trees and bushes, that are whispering just at the far edge of hearing. Even human feet can know they are standing on the threshold of… something. Fascinating things are always going on below, beside, and above us.

One day when life was seeming especially difficult, I asked the trees for help in staying calm and perhaps even balanced. It was a quiet day, and it seemed that they might be willing to share that stillness and silence. Standing there I became aware, that I was resting on a net of energy — roots, fungus, mycelium and things I couldn’t name — were creating a supportive, solid web and accepting me as part of the forest. The same net was woven between the trees and bushes, even the tiny mushrooms and flowers. It extended up to the tops of the trees, where it covered all of us. Protected. Safe. Sheltered. It was a most breathtakingly wondrous sensation to be held in the arms of Mother Nature.

I can connect with that same feeling anytime, any place, if I just remember to keep being who I am — a part of the forest.

I thought I was finished writing this, as much as I could be, but Marzipan just got excited, ran to the window, and started chirping in her own little purry voice. I looked out past her, and the mountain blue jay is back. We are both curious — what is it doing here besides eating suet? We’re down close to the ocean, though we can’t quite see the water. We’re certainly not in the mountains. O, I’d forgotten but I’m being reminded — so many feet of altitude equals so many miles northward in climate — I forget the ratio. Perhaps it is reasonable then to find mountain blue jays here in the Northwest at a low altitude. I grew up in the South where they are only high in the mountains.

Well, that’s one mystery solved. Millions of them remain.

© Copyright 2017 by Jessica Macbeth. All rights reserved

I’m So Very Lucky

.

Gladhval with Mist on the Water
Early Morning, Scotland, 1969

Lucky. Fortunate. Blest.

I just read a blog by Vivienne Tuffnell on The Loss of Our Youthful Dreams, which was very thought-provoking. It made me try to remember what my own early goals and ambitions were and how they had all worked out. At first, it seemed just jumble of random things happening, of starting and not finishing, with a lot of wandering around doing things that seemed sometimes surprising but often irrelevant to anything important.

The earliest plan I had for my life, at the age of two, was wanting to be “a gran’ma and a doctor.” The reason I remember this is that everyone thought it was such a strange notion — in those days it was expected that little girls all wanted to be a mommy. People liked to remind me of this and laugh all the way into my teens. I’ll come back to this later.

Sometime in primary school, I felt I also wanted to be a poet (who illustrated her own poems) and to have six children and to be a doctor. Sometime in high school, I was clear that I wanted to write and illustrate children’s books — and I wanted to be a doctor, but was beginning to worry about the medical bit. I had realized that what doctors actually did wasn’t really what I wanted to do. So I thought about nursing… and a week in the hospital showed me that this wasn’t it either. Also in high school, I accidentally became convinced that I’d never be a “good enough” artist and that the kind of books I’d liked weren’t really proper children’s books at all. So the children’s books were out too.

By the time I became a freshman in college, it seemed like being a psychologist might be the right thing, so I took classes in the subject. Back then, sixty years ago, psychology was all about behaviorism and Skinner boxes and nothing to do (it seemed to me) with real people. As for consciousness — there was No. Such. Thing.

At the end of my second year in college, I threw it all up in the air, got married, moved onto a boat, got shipwrecked, had a baby, bought a bigger boat with my husband, repaired, painted, and polished it up and sold it, and we went off to Great Britain to buy a sailing boat to go cruising. Around the world, perhaps. We didn’t find the boat we wanted in Wales, England, or Scotland so we boarded a ferry to Norway. In Oslo, we found exactly what we wanted. Almost. The entire first third of it was rotten so we decided to become serious boat builders in the west of Norway for several years. As we headed toward Romsdalen, we grounded our Gladhval in calm water and had our first relatively gentle but alarming taste of being nearly shipwrecked. In Romsdalen, we worked hard doing the heavy labor of boat building for a few years. When we reached a point where the hull was sound and tight, we launched her and headed south to Stavanger. On the way we had another near-shipwreck on Christmas Eve. There are Norwegians who are really kind and helpful. In Stavanger we spent an icy winter and then we sailed to Scotland, with major engine problems on the way, and worked on the boat some more. In Scotland, we were once again we were grounded and almost wrecked, following which we were caught in a hurricane and rescued by the Royal Navy. Scots are kind and helpful too.

This sounds silly, but after several years in Scotland, we realized that we needed to go back to Norway because many of the building materials we still needed were more readily available there. So, we tacked bits canvas over the most open places in the deck, and headed back to Norway in November during the equinoctial storm. Rough trip, but we made it. Arrived inside the skerries to find it so calm in the fjord that every star was reflected in the water. This seemed a good omen. In fact, just arriving at all seemed a very good omen!

We were going north, perhaps back to the original boatyard — I don’t remember now. Nearly got shipwrecked again — this time in very rough, scary waters with big rocks sticking up out of them. So we turned around and headed south toward Bergen. I’m not sure of our exact itinerary throughout these years, but I do remember the various groundings and near shipwrecks very well — along with the bright sparkling wave on sunny days, the astoundingly bright stars on clear nights, and even occasional auroras. We survived and made it back to Bergen, where I decided I really wanted to go back to Scotland (heart’s home). My son, Jon, and I left. Jeff, my ex-husband, still has Gladhval. I missed out on the eventual trip to the Caribbean, but I didn’t really mind that.

Then there were the years in Scotland where I applied my boat-building and painting skills to interior and exterior house painting and decorating. Then another wedding, this time to a “mad Scot” — Neil — and a new career in antiques and antiquarian books. First, we sold them in flea markets, then we exported them to Canada, and then we moved and imported Scottish things to California. All of these years, from the time I left school, may have seemed like a total distraction, but I learned some very useful things:

1) I was a lot stronger than I had thought. I endured. Yes, I even persisted.
2) I could learn to do almost anything if I was patient and willing to study and practice for as long as it took.
3) While I wasn’t particularly paying attention, I was growing up, accumulating a lot of life experience, and becoming myself. I discovered that I could make changes, could learn new things, however unlikely, and could take risks and survive.
4) That when you got in trouble, if you asked for help you often got it. Most people were naturally kind and helpful.
5) I was older and perhaps a bit wiser and certainly a lot more adaptable. People sometimes realized that I knew things.

These were important qualifications for my Real Career, which was not really antiques and old books.

I went back to college part time — psychology, as a study, had radically changed. Jung! Rogers! Real people issues! Um… even a parapsychology class where I met people who taught me tarot (outside of class) and was introduced to many things I could see were important and valid. Exciting! Maybe I could be a counselor or something. Someone took me to a Spiritualist church, and one of the mediums told me I was a healer. I knew that — had known since I was two — but didn’t everyone always do healing? Turned out that they didn’t. How amazing! So, in my kitchen, I showed a couple of neighbors how to do basic hands-on healing. The two became six, the next time around. Teaching teaches us faster. The friend who had taught me to read tarot moved away and sent all her clients to me, so I did readings and teaching in the back of our antique store.

In my early forties, I was standing in field under a full moon performing a wedding ceremony for a hopeful young couple. In the middle of this, I suddenly realized that “a grandmother and a doctor” really meant a “wise woman and a healer” and what I was doing at that moment was exactly a part of that. I thought that was all finally settled, but it wasn’t.

Eileen, a massage therapist and healer from London was travelling through San Diego. In a grocery store, she asked the clerk if she knew of a good psychic reader. The clerk didn’t, but the customer behind Eileen said, “I know just the right person!” and gave her my phone number. After her session, Eileen asked, “Would you be interested in coming to London and Cornwall to teach and do readings?”

Would I?

Eileen went back home and made arrangements. I bought tickets and went for six weeks — time to teach enough to pay for my tickets. And then I went home, having arranged for me to come back in three months. That was the beginning of my tick-tock travels over the Atlantic. People started wanting me to do classes and reading in other places, and finally in Bath on Beltaine, someone asked what it would take to get me to actually move there. I muttered that I was thinking about moving back to Scotland. But they said, “Bath!” and repeated their question. It was about three in the morning after our celebrations and I was heading back to San Diego the next day. I mumbled that I supposed I’d need somewhere to live and somewhere to teach. I was to come back anyway (tick-tock) around Midsummer. They said they would have places waiting for me to live and work. And they did, so I stayed and tock-ticked in the other direction after that. And started travelling once in a while up to Scotland, just because I loved it.

And about that time, a student showed a publisher friend of hers the notes that I gave to the class and told him that he should get me to write a book on meditation. He did, I did — Moon Over Water — and then I did a second on imagery and inner journeys, Sun Over Mountain.

Then I reversed that situation as well, moving back Scotland, traveling to England and Cornwall — and to California. Scotland is my own magical homeland. I thought I was settled forever. I liked traveling and my cats didn’t mind it too much. We even went camping together. Then I got sick.

Nearly died of pneumonia; couldn’t go back to work for months. I began to feel as if I’d never be really well again. Every doctor and every healer I knew told me that staying in the good Scottish rain would kill me the next winter. That was August, and by December I was beginning to see that they were right. On the 12th of December the cats and I traveled — Arrochar to London to Los Angeles to the desert of Borrego Springs.

As it happened, I didn’t do well in the desert — seemed like I was going to dry, crack, and crumble into dust. All those years in rainy, cold countries hadn’t made me ready for this. The cats and I moved up into the mountains, where there was a bit more water in the air. From there, I drove to San Diego once in a while to teach. Unfortunately, even occasional teaching was too much. Couldn’t teach, couldn’t do healing or counseling; made myself sick again every time I tried. Wasn’t getting much better — in fact all of my energy seemed to be needed just to stop getting worse. It felt like my path had gone over a cliff and me with it.

Just about then, on my 60th birthday, Brian Froud asked me to write the book for the Faeries’ Oracle. I could do that — stay home, write some every day, and rest as needed. This was my third book, and it sold much more than I expected. It took a while, but when the “advance” finally came, I moved to Washington State, bought a bit of forest, and my wild son gradually built a home for me on it. I still wasn’t settled, though I had hoped I was. But after some to-ing and fro-ing, I may be settled now in the middle of three acres of forest with a nearby super-neighbor and caregivers, near Port Townsend. Port Townsend is filled with artists and writers, sculptors and photographers, yoga teachers, tarot readers, craftspeople — witches and elves and gnomes commonly walk the streets. At 79 I rather hope to be settled just where I am — it feels like home. And I can write what I most want to — which tonight is this blog.

What else am I writing? Another oracle for starters. And a book (or five) about tufted faery cats and humna — half human, half faery people. I’ve even found a way to do the illustrations — with help.

Is it for children? Well, yes — and for their parents. And teen-agers and grandparents. And people trying to find a way to live together in a world where so many of us have become strangers and refugees. I’ve gotten ambitious, you see. So I may have accidentally (if you believe in accidents) become a wise woman in a forest, a grandmother, and a writer-illustrator-poet for children and others.

It now appears that all of this time I’ve been working back and forth through my ambitions, often without even realizing that they were ambitions instead of happenstance. I may get there yet. I’m also taking classes in writing — you always need to be trying to get better at things or they get boring. And I keep thinking about teaching a class in using the tarot to help write a book or story. You know, plots and character development are a lot like reality — if you believe in reality.

Tonight I just happened onto a video about someone doing his own version of one of the things I used to do in Scotland. I’d love to go make that trip, if it were possible. Who knows what may yet happen or what paths might open? (I was going to link to it here, but lost it. If I find it again, I’ll put it in the comments.

Tell me, please, what did you want to be when you grew up? And where do you think you might be on the path to getting there?

Magical Writing

As you probably know, I’m writing a storybook (or several) about magic and faery and cats and things like that. But the thing about a sometime-healer writing about magic is that one already knows that magic is real. So the question arises:

How do you write about magic that is natural and real and potent when fictional magic is usually so much more flashy and… um… misleading?

Having Marzipan’s story pushing at the back of my eyes I knew I’d have to try — and, as is quite common with magic, once a person sets an intention or asks a question, the magic itself immediately starts trying to teach us. It uses magical means, of course, but an untrained observer might call them co-incidence or synchronicity or even (and this is less likely to be said) a chronosynclastic infundibulum. Whatever.

Magical Realism

The Writers’ Workshoppe decided (at just the right time) to offer a class in writing “magical realism”. One important thing I learned at the class was that you could offer some outrageous magic if it was firmly embedded in a lot of detailed reality. You just have to slide the magic and “fantasy” in between the realism with enough down-to-earth detail that it goes almost unnoticed — and the next bit of fantasy can be even more magical and it too will just slide right into the mind without jarring it too much. Do you know why that is?

It’s because humans (and sometimes others) participate in magic all the time, and we’re accustomed to just letting it slide by without notice. In fact, we pretend to ourselves that it either didn’t happen or it happened some other way. So we don’t notice how it sneaks up on us in reality or in a story — embedded in detail and factual information. (This part and the following is my own experience — not the class.)

Think about it: you remember that you want to phone a friend that you haven’t talked to in quite a while. A few minutes later, the friend phones you. Coincidence. Yes. Sure. It can’t be telepathy because telepathy isn’t real. So this is the fantasy we mostly live in — the belief that magic is not real. We’re habituated to that fantasy and we find all sorts of excuses to convince ourselves that telepathy doesn’t happen. We invent words to cover it up — words like coincidence, lucky break, fortuity, synchronicity, and other words of that ilk. It can’t be magic, not our own innate magic. It’s just the way the cookie accidentally crumbles. No?

So in your magical story you begin the shift with small details, like perhaps a yellow flower slowly turning red as a character watches, and you don’t make a big drama with exclamation points and amazed expressions about it. You just move smoothly right on by. A little later you slip another detail in. It’s not important enough to stop and think too much about about it. The reader just accepts it… and moves on. This is preparing the ground of the unconscious, imagining mind — the dreamer, the mystic, the magician — to accept the seeds carelessly dropped and accept them again later on when they sprout and blossom vividly.

Magic isn’t something you turn on and off. Your awareness of it may be awake or asleep, but dreaming or storytelling or being the story, the magic is what holds it together. But they (I’m writing about faery magic, remember, and natural magic as well) had a lot more to teach me than just how to sneak up on magic.

Logic

Things need to make sense — even in magic. Logic is important. Take the “humna” (half faery and half human) in Marzipan’s stories. Faery, as we know (!) exists and vibrates at a different and higher frequency than we do, just like ultra-violet light shines at a frequency that we don’t normally see — our eyes are not built for it. We also know that there is a thing called “entrainment” that happens naturally. If you take two fine crystal glasses and set them beside each other and then gently strike one so it begins ringing, soon the other one is ringing as well. The second glass is entrained with the first because the first is active and the second was passive. (This also happens in the chakra system, but we’ll talk about the results of that another time, if I remember to do it.)

So faery vibrates at a faster (higher) frequency than we humans do. If we spend time with them in the natural world, our vibration becomes higher as well — and it gradually changes our DNA so that we become more faery ourselves. This is just natural magic. Makes sense, doesn’t it? Logical. Plausible. It especially makes sense if you consider the Japanese notion of “forest bathing” that suggest that we feel much more relaxed and healthy if we spend peaceful time in a forest. Trees. Dryads. Think about it. (Here’s another thing to write about later — the modern thing in some ethically and scientifically advanced cities is to build apartments with gardens on the roof and in large balconies — what would that do to the people who live in them?) There is much to consider on this topic, including scientific studies that show that hyperactive children who spend some time in parks or natural place become calmer and cope with life better.

The Writer’s Medicine Bag

Another useful concept about writing that I came across recently was about medicine bags and the power objects in them. (I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten where I read this — it may have been in a story or perhaps from Michael Meade.) Every medicine bag contains power objects, and together the objects contain more potency than each one alone. It’s about the way they blend together and reinforce each other. As a writer, consider this: how is your story or thesis or novel a medicine bag with the power to transform, to do magic with the reader? How is each character a power object within that collective whole? If you think of them as a tribe — who serves which function in the society? How do they work together to get where they want to go? Is there any power object in the bag that conflicts with the overall goal? Can the power objects (people, places, things, ideas) find a resolution to any conflicts they have? And how do the power objects themselves transform as they create transformation around them?

These questions have to be answered — at least in our own minds if not in the story. The author actually needs to understand what’s going on even if the characters are mystified.

Image. I, mage.

Transformation is vital. The other day a few people and I had a short discussion about what makes Sir Terry Pratchett’s books so awesome — and I don’t use that word lightly. To me, it’s all about transformation. The characters in the stories (mostly) grow.

This made me think a lot about what a “better person” is and why it’s important to be one — and a TON of stuff about writing and a writer’s responsibility to the rest of the world, especially when things are such a mess as they are now. Part of Sir Terry Pratchett’s brilliance is that he showed us a path without ever “teaching” or “preaching” but by a sort of osmosis. I suspect he hoped we’d be smart enough to figure it out for ourselves, which is really the only way to truly learn something.

What is the Path that we, as writers, are showing? Do we know? Are we, as ordinary magical people following it ourselves? If not, if we aren’t constantly testing it, how can we expect others to believe in or understand it? How will the story make sense without magical logic? And I suspect that this may be what is at the core of “magical realism” — what do you think about it?

The Three AM Poet

Sometimes when I have had a very busy day, thinking hard and taking things seriously, I can’t sleep. The windmill fronds in my mind are still turning, even with no wind to impel them. Then the faeries take a hand. They think it is very odd that I continue to take things so seriously even when there is nothing left to take. (Truth to tell, they think I take things too seriously, period. They think I should be called Jessica Sirius Macbeth so I could take my black dog with me everywhere — seriously mixed mythical metaphors.) So I sit up, switch the computer on, and write. I do not claim responsibility for what comes out, but I don’t deny it either. Here are some small poems (of sorts) written while the windmill unwinds…

Be Safe

Often in this land I hear
the parting words resound,
“Be safe!”
But what if I don’t want a life
of safety, what if I’d rather have
a life lived somewhere
near the edge —
a life where I can
walk out
take a deep breath
lean out into the incoming air.

What if
being safe is not
what life is about?
What if
there is no safe place, safe path,
safe journey?
What if
we are our own worst hazards
and we are born to danger
like a fish is born to water?
What if
O Universe is only truly happy
when it gets us out there
somewhere
in our underwear
or nothing left at all?

What if…

What if
the Rapture came
in the middle of the night
and in the morning
we rejects went out to find
tinfoil hats
zoot suits
strait jackets
worn red spike-heeled shoes
with one spike broken halfway?
Or a pair of red silk thongs
slung across
tinfoil underpants —
all scattered on the pavements?
Would we realize
from this strange detritus
that we were the crazy ones
and
that what god/dess really wanted,
what she was growing on this world
was the trippers, the daily
roller-coaster riders,
the wild-eyed ones
who wear their clothes backwards,
the oddities, the ones who can’t stop laughing,
the ones who walk through the park, shouting,
“The locusts have stolen my honey!” —
the ones living
on the very edge of glory?

Got It

The other day
I wrote some pagan stuff
and a friend (who sometimes thinks
he is not a pagan) said,
“I didn’t understand what you said —
but I think I got it anyway.”

It has taken me two days to realize
that this is a quintessentially
pagan statement.

I remember one time
the goddess told me
that she wanted me to
give up all of my defenses.
“It’s the only way,” she said,
“To become invulnerable.”

NonoNO, shrieked Logic
YES! O YES! shouted Intuition

It all makes sense
if you turn the kaleidoscope around
and look in its mirrors
upside down
and around the corners.

Corners are
another kind of reality.

Conclusion

Sometimes, when life gets especially absurd,
I look at O Universe and say,
“Hmmm. I see that You are very silly too.”
And I hear,
faint in the distance,
cosmic giggles.

I just wanted you to know that we have a lot of silliness and fun here…

© Copyright 2016 by Jessica Macbeth. All rights reserved.
P.S. I guess I should also say that this was written in the middle of the night, but when the windmill finally stopped, there wasn’t even enough silliness left to push “send” and therefore I am pushing it now.

Creation & Gratitude

The Universe is trying to spiral up and out. Light wishes to expand. It’s what light does. It shines. It spreads. It moves.

The Fae tell me it is important to say ‘thank you’.

When and why did saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ go out of fashion? I notice on the internet, especially Facebook, that people who want to share something someone else has posted like to say that they are ‘stealing’ it — and yet in most cases it was put there to be shared. So what is the big difficulty in using words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and ‘sharing’ that is so hard that people would rather say they are ‘stealing’ something?

Sometimes others say that they are not going to ‘beg’ for something, meaning that they are not going to say ‘please’. When and why did a small courtesy become a humiliation in their minds?  When did snatching something away from someone become a better thing than saying, ‘May I please have…?’

When I ask people about this, they laugh and say, “I want to be a pirate.” Oh. Or, “I think it’s cute.” Really? (Another of the things the Fae like to say is, “You become what you pretend to be.” But we [perhaps] will talk about that some other time.)

Yet… the Fae keep telling me that saying ‘thank you’ is very important. It gives energy back, keeps that energy from stagnating, dying. To keep it alive, keep it moving. If we say ‘thank you’ and ‘you’re welcome’ appropriately, we keep circulating that kind of energy. We channel energy into words and actions, and if that energy is “plus” (charged), it is re-energized and becomes stronger in each of us. Each time we stop, everyone is drained a bit. People who want to grab it all and hold on are just holding onto something that is dying. The only way to keep it charged, to keep ourselves full and overflowing is to keep passing it on.

Now, every healer knows that when you channel energy it fills you as well as filling the person you’re trying to channel it to — unless, of course, you’re being silly and using your own energy for the healing (more about that some other time). There is a lot of energy in O Universe — more than we can imagine, more than we can use in a sesquillion lifetimes. And, if we handle it right, the energy we use becomes stronger — and it circulates.

So I have to ask myself what am I doing to put energy back into the circuit of kindness? Of courtesy? Of healing? Of compassion? The energy that propels the universe — look at a galaxy — it moves. And all the galaxies together move. They comprise the universe — and all the universes together are the multiverse, which (you guessed it) moves.  We are always doing something. Even doing “nothing” is letting the energy become stagnant, leak out. What puts the “charge” or “plus” or “energy” into the system? What keeps it all from running down? What kind of energy are we moving, you and I?

Shall I tell you what the Fae say? They say that the way we add to the creative, healing, compassionate, joyful energy in the universe is by feeling joy or gratitude or kindness. Can you believe that it’s that simple? Every time you generate a truly good feeling in yourself it puts a stronger positive spin on the energy of the universe. It adds that spin to the non-local consciousness of O Universe. It changes the Multiverse. Every single honest smile changes the Multiverse.

Thank you for your help!

p.s. I just looked up at Marzipan. She smiles. Partly, it’s the markings on her face that give her a smiling look. But it’s also the slight pucker of her mouth that pulls her whiskers forward in true cat’s smile. It’s the way her ears perk up, listening for a friendly word, and her head tilts slightly as she gives that cat’s slow blink of affection as she sits erect, paws neatly together, attentive, waiting for a loving response. Utterly charming. You really can’t not smile back. And the Multiverse grows.

Faery Gifts, Faery Rings

Once upon a time I made a Journey to the Isle of Iona in Scotland. In fact I made a lot of trips there because Iona is one of my heart’s homes. But this journey was special, though short, partly because it was a particularly Interesting Time in my life and partly because it seemed improbable that I’d ever get to go back to Iona again. So, it seemed that I needed something I could carry with me for a memento, though I’m in no danger of forgetting the sacred isle.

While there I looked at all the pebbles on the beaches (well, nearly all). None felt right. The summer flowers were considered and some seeds falling from the tiny purple ones on the nunnery wall were gathered to plant at home, but that wasn’t it either. After looking in all the gift shops at everything, the right choice seemed to be a ring — a silver Celtic ring with endless knotwork on it. Good symbolism. It was a typical touristy bit of jewelry, nothing special, inexpensive, but it breathed “Iona…” And it fit. I was so pleased to have found it! Goal achieved!

I wore the ring as I left the island. Ferry to Mull, bus to Craignure, ferry to Oban… and then rebellion set in. No more public transport for now! I wanted to savor the back country roads on the way back to town. So, I walked up the hill and out on the back road from Oban, a light pack with just a change of clothes on my back, some fruit and water, and a heavy heart. I’d driven it before but I wanted to walk it this time. There were plenty of back roads to get me to Balloch at the foot of Loch Lomand and then back to Glasgow by bus through all the industrial and crowded area. I’d decided to accept rides if offered and to hitchhike when it got late in the long summer day, but to walk as much as possible while still getting back on time.

Walking felt good. Resting when needed and munching apples bought in Oban, I made my way along single track roads peacefully and happily. This part of Scotland has an abundance of ancient stones and monuments — cairns, standing stones, many and varied stone circles. My route took me past a small circle that I’d never seen before. These stones were smallish and low in the grass, the circle not more than nine feet or so across, and not very visible from the road unless one happened to be walking slowly and looking at everything. It seemed to be radiating a strong call to come closer, to linger in the circle for a while. I don’t turn down enticements like that. Over the knee-high drystone wall I went, and stopped just outside the circle, waiting until certain that I was truly welcome into the center.

At last, sitting in the circle’s center I began to feel a subtle pressure to do something. There was, without words, a request — not for something for the Powers of the circle, but to do something that would be helpful to me. I sat and listened meditatively. Reluctantly, but bit by bit, I got it that it would be appropriate and healing for me to put all my past, especially including my time on Iona, into my ring — and bury it in the center of the circle, a small place of power in the network of light that runs from circles to megaliths, to cairns, to standing stones, to whatever else has been rooted in Earthmother with healing intentions.

I. Did. Not. Want. To. Do. This. No way!

Just leaving without gifting anything to the circle seemed quite impossible. Nothing else I had seemed really acceptable. There were disgraceful tears and pleadings. Now I am older and far more experienced, but then, in my forties, I hadn’t fully learned that the only sacrifice that matters is oneself, from the heart. It wasn’t about the ring; it was about me — the ring was only a holder of energy — and I didn’t know that. Finally, I let myself be aware of how much love there was in this asking. It felt unbounded. This was all intended to help me, to strengthen me.

I needed for the ring to be there, just there and nowhere else. Not on my finger but in the earth. I can’t say that I believed this or that it made any sense, but it felt right so I dug a small hole at the center of hard-packed earth of the circle. It wasn’t very deep, but there was nothing around to use to help in digging. It was only a couple of inches down. With a trickle of tears, the ring went into the earth from which it had once come, was covered over, and the earth tamped well down above it so the digging left no mark. Left to my own devices I’d probably have piled a cairn of large stones over it, but that was gently refused. Someone smiled at the idea, but I wasn’t in an appreciative nor grateful mood.

Back on the road, I turned back once to say a small and wordless prayer for what I’d done to be right. It felt like the light had gone out of the day, though the sun still shone. I’d had enough. It was easy to walk to the nearest main road and hitch a lift to Balloch. There I had a fish and chips supper while looking out over Loch Lomand. Walking toward the nearest bus stop to catch the bus to Glasgow, the sun was in my eyes. I almost ignored the glitter of something in the gutter, but the second or third time it sparkled, I became curious and stepped into the street to fish it out of the mud. Wiping off the mud, I stood there transfixed. Silver gleamed and there in my grubby hand was a muddy silver ring — out of the earth and cobblestones of the road.

The muddy ring was the right size and slid easily onto my finger, but the design was different from the Iona ring. Instead of the typical Celtic pattern of endless knots, this ring had stars and moons raised from a dark bed, like a night sky. I had a vague thought of turning it in at the local police station, but though it had gone on so easily it wouldn’t come off my finger. This woke me up out of my shocked daze enough to realize that this ring was for me. With stars and moons in the night sky — something that connects all the sacred spaces of the world, wherever we may be. (Now, of course, I’m seeing that as a symbol of non-local consciousness as well as of faery, but then I only saw the faery sky.)

Some years after receiving the ring but many years ago now, I sat in a barrow in England a few miles from Bath. Sitting there, wearing my faery ring, I made an inner journey to see what was wanted of me at that time. Instead of being asked for things, I was shown gifts. One of them came to me then, but others were in reserve for later. One of the “later on” gifts was a small ginger cat, who was described as “the firecat”. The sword I was given then was placed in my spine, the hilt across the hips. Invisible. Mysterious. Strengthening. The cat stayed asleep in a small curl in a niche in the barrow wall.

Then, years later I learned about Richard’s ring. I was telling the story of my ring on Facebook and Richard, a real life friend as well as a Facebook friend, said, “You won’t believe this… Oh, I guess you will. I think I have a ring just like that.” He took a photo and posted it on Facebook. And, yes, it’s like mine. Of course, I asked him how he got it. I’d never seen another one anywhere. Now I wonder how many people have them and how they happened to get them?

It seems that he was in college at the time, having a difficult time figuring out where he was going in life and why. Especially in question was his spiritual path. One day he was lying on his back on the grass in the sunshine. He felt something under his back, poking at him. When he looked to see what it was, it was the silver ring, deep in the grass. It, too, was a gift from EarthMother, and of course, it fit him perfectly. The same stars and moons on the night sky. Earthmother and the fae. This was the message he needed about his spiritual path.

The word “pagan” comes from a Greek word meaning “arising from the Earth” — but you knew that, didn’t you?

At that time, I’d just recently found my ring among some old jewelry that had been packed away for several years — this was why I was writing about it and thinking about what it meant to me now. Richard hadn’t been wearing his either at that point. We both wondered, really, what were we thinking? We wanted to have them on all of the time. I’ve been wearing mine since.

Today, sitting here writing, my miniature ginger cat, Marzipan, is on my knee. She watches me type, her eyes wise and wide and deep — like moons. Marzipan was born to be a star. Everyone who meets her knows that she is a natural star, a tiny, fiery cat of creativity and wisdom and mischief. Right now, she is sitting on my knee, but sometimes when I’m typing, she puts one paw on my hand. It’s probably not a co-incidence that she usually puts it right on my faery ring of moons and stars, is it?

Dream (or Stuff I Write at 3 AM)

I blew around the airport.
I’m too old to run
so I let the wind
of other people’s travels
blow me past,
swooping low, soaring high,
tumbling in swift spirals.

There would be an airplane
somewhere for me
in this wild place of portals.
I passed one gate
and could hear a plane outside
whispering machinely,
“Come on, hurry! Come to me!
I’ll take you somewhere
filled with delight
and suffused in wonder…”
But I blew on past so fast
I couldn’t even see its destination.
It wasn’t my gate anyway.

At last the wind dropped me, lightly
on my feet, slightly tipped, but
I soon straightened.
O, yes — a flight to Iona…
does Iona have an airport?
No……….. but…
I could get there from here
if only I knew the names
of all of the ancient stones.

And then a cat jumped on me
and we fell the rest of the way
out of the airport
and into my bed
Home. Warm bed. Cats.

Still, I did tell the cats
(when I fed them at midnight)
that I didn’t want to be
wakened early this morning,
certainly not at 3 AM
for their morning riot.

Yet…

Home, warm bed —
the best place of all.

New Years Past

Okay, a New Year’s Eve story from several years ago. Don’t know why I haven’t told it before, but I haven’t. It’s kind of long for the internet.

A few years back, I was living in a very poor neighborhood — not surprising as I was then very poor and ill myself. There were so many impoverished people around me — some because they were old and not well provided for, some because they were too mentally or physically disabled to work, and a few (very few) because “poor” was simply their lifestyle and they didn’t have any idea how not to be.

It was a bitterly cold night. There had been quite a bit of snow, a brief thaw, and now there was a mixture of slick ice, rough re-frozen lumps of snow here and there, and the freezing cold of the air. It wasn’t late — maybe 7 pm — and I’d suddenly realized that all the shops would be closed on the morrow and I was out of cat food — not mention various important bits of human food. Poor, but I had enough to get cat food and a bit of people food.

So, I went out to the car in a hurry, warmed it up a little, started carefully for the street, moving very slowly as I backed out of my parking space and turned toward the road — slowly, slowly through the treacherous ice. Almost immediately she slid on a large lump of ice in the parking lot and started moving slowly but stubbornly sideways.

Dear heavy old Volvo — there was no stopping her once gravity took hold. She slid toward the ditch between street and house and started inexorably down toward the bottom four feet away, nose-first. I slammed the brakes on hard — unwise tactics on ice, but there was nothing to lose at that point. She stopped halfway into the ditch, badly tilted, and with the front wheels in the cold, thin air of open space. The car frame under me resting on the ground, and the back wheels loosely touching — no traction at all, but gently kissing the earth. Balanced. Just. My foot stayed as hard on the brakes as it could go and the car trembled on her balance point with my every movement, every breath. I hung on. The stars looked down as stars do at such moments with apparent total disinterest.

No one was outside — not in that cold. I waited. And waited, all of my focus on that brake pedal. Eventually an old car pulled up across the street where I knew an elderly woman lived. A pile of men and boys got out. Noticing my strangely precarious parking spot, the eldest in the lead as a string of others followed, all strolled ponderously across the icy street toward me, almost like a herd of peaceful elephants drifting across the veldt toward an interesting but not threatening curiosity. How had they all gotten into that ordinary-sized car? I rolled down my window and Eldest stated matter-of-factly, “Hey, you got a problem here.”

“I know,” I said humbly. “She slid. On the ice.”

He nodded. They ambled around the car, quietly discussing the problem. I sat with my foot hard on the brake. The parking brake never was worth much, but I had pulled it, slowly and carefully, on all the way on as well. Eldest, gray hair shining in the faint light like a halo, gently drifted back to the window and announced, “Some of the boys sit on the back, bring her rear end down to ground,  some push her up and back from the front, and some pull her backwards with ropes up on the parking lot while you give her a little gas. Not much or she just slip. We do it.”

I wish I could do a Samoan accent here, but I can’t so you’ll have to do the best you can with making it yourself. And did you know that some Samoans are BIG people? These were tall and sturdy. I couldn’t count them, milling around in the dark as they were, but the grown ones were massive and both they and the boys were enthusiastic. Yes, it might be possible.

It wasn’t. Even several large Samoans in bulky, heavy winter coats didn’t seem to outweigh the engine and strongly-built front end hanging out in space. (Old Volvos were famous for their strength and toughness.) I wound up six inches farther into the ditch in spite of the vein-pounding, strong pushing and pulling. I was seriously frightened for the ones in the front, who seemed not willing to give up. I jammed the brakes back on.

By this time my other neighbors were out, gathering in shivering clumps, talking quietly to each other and shaking their heads, but not coming near, not wanting to get into whatever trouble might ensue. One woman did offer me a cup of coffee, but for the most part they were heads-down people — poor in money, poor in spirit, pre-defeated people staying back out of trouble.

Eldest came back to the window. I mentioned, not really hopeful, that it might be a good idea to call a tow truck. Eldest shook his head.

“New Year’s Eve, all this ice — tow truck busy everywhere. Not come for hours, if come ever. And if tow truck do come, he call cops and report.” He slowly shook his head. All of them shook their heads like big tree tops waving in a strong wind. “Not wanting cops. Just trouble, cops. Big fines, maybe jail. You not want cops.”

I agreed. I didn’t want cops. Really, I couldn’t pay for a tow truck anyway. I sat with my both of my feet jammed on the brake, one on top of the other — the first leg had long since started to quiver with the strain and needed its mate to help. (It occurs to me now, as it didn’t then, that with the back wheels off the ground the brakes probably weren’t doing any good at all, but even if I’d thought of that at the time, nothing could have made me release them. Opening a window was okay, opening a heavy door, letting it swing its weight forward as it opened was unthinkable in that precarious position.)

Considering things slowly with my near-frozen brain, I said, “We could do it with a heavy truck. With chains on its tires. And a big chain to pull the car. Because an ordinary rope just isn’t going to do this. But… we don’t have any of this.”

He said, “Yeah, we don’t got, but maybe I know where we get.” He sent several men off in their car on incomprehensible errands and went with them. He left two of the sturdiest to stand guard over me. I don’t know what they could have done if the car decided to tip another inch and go down nose-first into that steep, deep ditch. Then I noticed that two more of the biggest had quietly gone to the back and were sitting on it again. I don’t know if that really helped, but it was comforting.

I saw my cats sitting in the window — waiting, watching, probably wondering what I thought I was doing now. And where was their promised dinner?

About an hour later (it felt like ten, like my dashboard clock was seriously lying — I swear the hands barely moved for long stretches of time) their car came back with only Eldest and the young driver.

“We fix,” he announced, looming over the car with an enormous, gleaming smile scintillating in the starlight.

And what to my wondering eyes did appear but a huge behemoth of a truck lumbering down the road? Looking about to fall apart, but certainly meeting the criteria of big, it pulled ponderously into place behind me with gentle mutterings and rattles. There was still plenty of room in the parking lot. The driver, sized to fit his truck, gazed at the car calmly, considered, nodded once, smiled at me, went to the back of the truck, and began pulling chains out, letting them clank and clatter to the ground. There was a rattle of tire chains as they struggled with these fairly foreign-to-us-coastal-Washingtonians objects. At last, the tire chains seemed in order, and they began rattling and tugging at a much more mammoth chain, stretching it out on the ground. It looked a lot like a massive boat’s anchor chain. They hooked it on to the truck and wrapped it thoroughly onto and around the strongest points under the back of my car (whatever they were) and looped it back to the truck. It certainly wasn’t hitched to the wee metal loop meant for hooking things onto. Nor to the rusted back bumper. With a final jerk and a tug that jolted the car and made my stomach somersault, they stood back. Eldest checked the chain and nodded. The truck driver checked it and nodded. The nods ran through the rest of the watching forest.

Back at my window again, Eldest said to me. “Truck pull, you feel her moving back, take foot off brake and give her little gas. In reverse,” he stressed, looking at me intently to be sure I understood. Feet still pushing hard on the brake, I restarted the engine, let her idle, and put her gently almost into reverse. He grinned and patted the window frame.

I nodded, thoroughly rejecting a sneaky, scared inner vision of the chain breaking under the stress, the truck plummeting into and through the houses on the other side of the parking lot, and the Volvo and I diving down into the hole ahead. Even in the snow, the ditch looked hard and dangerous. I knew from personal observation that it had big rocks in the bottom, and by now that ditch yawned fifteen feet deep in my mind. Or maybe even bottomless. I knew it was three or four, but it felt like fifteen. Or bottomless.

“We do, lady, we do.” Deep voice at the window. Very reassuring. I believed him — by then I couldn’t imagine him not doing anything he was determined to do.

The truck rattled, coughed a few times, and revved up with an uncertain rumble. I noticed that all my other neighbors had silently disappeared. I hoped they were not all in the house right in front of the truck. The chain tightened and the Volvo quivered. I could feel every link in the chain go taut. Go, baby, go! Be a real Volvo!

We began to move very slowly, inching backwards, the car’s undercarriage scraping along the gravelly ground. I took my foot off of the brakes, put her into reverse, and gave her a little touch more gas. The front end started to rise as the wheels began to touch the edge of the ditch. Finally, they were back up on terra firma. Another two slow feet back. Eldest slapped the side of the car and shouted once. A word I didn’t know. The truck stopped. I put on the parking brakes and turned the ignition off.

As I climbed out of the car on trembling and shaky legs — I had been holding the brake down as hard as I could for over an hour with both feet and every bit of strength I had and I might have been afloat on a sea of adrenaline. I was surrounded by huge grins and happy murmurs of approval. There may have been the patting of backs and shaking of hands amid the clank of chains being removed. I reached back in the car for my purse, but Eldest put his hand on my arm, and shook his head “no”. Fiat!

I began babbling, “Thank you thank you thank you thank you” over and over. I hugged Eldest and he hugged me back. I hugged all of them, I think, there in the dark and cold, still babbling. Samoans, these Samoans, my neighbors did great hugs. I needed all of them, giving and receiving in the only currency that met the need of that moment.

Eldest offered to have one of the younger ones park her for me. I said, “Oh, no! I’m going to the store.”

He laughed and slapped the car again. “You go! She good car! You go!” There was a chorus of quiet laughter and approving “you go!” and I went. I must have been crazy — the snow plows had been along the main streets but hadn’t done much good there and had not even attempted anything in the supermarket’s parking lot. But I got the cat food and with the rest of my money I bought the biggest cake, the most lavish cake I could find. It said ‘Happy New Year’ on it in Spanish. That seemed appropriate — good will expressed mutually incomprehensibly.

When I got home again, I fed the cats and went across the road to where the Samoan grandmother lived by herself, though I’d noticed before that she was rarely truly by herself — family was always popping in and out. I knocked on her door, and it was answered by Grandmother herself, matriarch of the clan. I’m far from young, and I’ve my share of wrinkles, but she had wrinkles from here to forever. They got even crinklier and wrinklier as she smiled her eyes into shiny slits and nodded. She knew the whole story from a viewpoint I’d never know. I handed her the cake and said several more fervent thank yous. We couldn’t speak a intelligible word to each other, but we both got it. She hugged me and gestured for me to come in. I could hear a boisterous family party of all ages going on behind her. I was overcome by a fit of unusual shyness and with a final “thank you,” I bolted for home.

It was my best New Year’s Eve ever. I don’t know how many New Year’s Eve parties I’d disrupted that evening, but everyone seemed to think their evening all the better for the disruption. A rescue! What fun! It might have been a lot better still had I been a little braver and less of a hermit. It might have changed my life then and changed my entire perception of my neighborhood. It did change it some, but it might have been a lot more. A revelation. Still, it was no longer seemed a totally unfriendly place of strangers to me. After that, when I went out and daughters were sitting in the sun watching grandchildren play, the daughters and I smiled and said hello. Tall, bulky young men passing on the street waved and lit up with a smile. A gift. A precious gift.

It is now 4 AM on January 1st, anno domini 2016. All of us now still breathing have made it into yet another year. My adventures have been “interesting” in this year past as well and taught me much about community and family, I’m grateful for what this and all of the years before have taught me about what makes people strong, what makes people weak, about family, about community, about people who have it and people who don’t.

If we stand on the solid ground of a cohesive family, a sharing community, it is far easier to reach out to others in need. If our foundations rest on the shifting sands of casual friends who are here today and gone tomorrow, it is much harder to realize that “everyone for themselves” and “look out for number one” are just nonsense, both impossible and foolish. We need each other. At unexpected moments and impossible-to-predict times, we need each other. We can’t just turn our backs and walk away.

And we need gratitude. We ourselves need to know that we have reason to be grateful, even if all we think we still have is our breath and major challenges.

We learn compassion and strength from our families and communities, and that is the key that gives us the ability to stand solid and to reach out to strangers without fear — and without needing to make fantasies and excuses for our fears as we slink away. Perhaps one of the marks of a healthy community is that it can welcome strangers in and assimilate them hospitably.

Living in community and working together in good will through the problems that naturally arise between people generates both a strength and a willingness to embrace others into the sheltering circle. And we all know that a circle is a line that has no end.

Glastonbury Tor, Thanksgiving Eve

This evening as we were sharing Thanksgiving tarot readings, my friend Nancy recommended that I make a visionary journey to Glastonbury Tor. The original subject of our discussion was Gratitude — what has the Lady Gratitude been trying to teach us, and what is right action for us now that we’ve learned a bit more about it?

Basically, the lesson for both of us seems to be the perennial “Trust the Process” but with more detail. For my part, yes, things are tough now (and probably so for a bit yet to come), but life will become less stressful than it has been, better than before in many ways, and I will have even more help with the creative things I need to do — if I’m trusting the process and not letting the temporary stuff get me down.

I wanted to share this journey with you because this is unlike my usual inner journeys in that it doesn’t have a set format. Those of you who have been in my classes and/or read my book Sun over Mountain may remember that we use guided imagery for many purposes. There were a lot of questions for the person journeying to help them understand the images that arose for them. This time, instead, we find me wandering around, looking for my path, and simply allowing it to open before me. This process is more structured than a daydream and less so than guided imagery with a set pattern — and I wanted you to see how it might work for you. Before beginning the journey, the first thing I did was to draw a card from my personal oracle — a blend of the Faeries’ Oracle and my unfinished Faery Wisdom Journey Oracle:

The Bright Mother, who is so loving and nurturing and wise, says…

I am asking you to give up your defenses.

I know, I know, it seems to you that they are what keeps you safe in the worlds, but, in fact, they are what make you vulnerable. Let them go as you find them, and discover how strong you are without them.

Defenses are a much heavier burden than you realize, and it is only by letting them go that you become invulnerable.

If you don’t know how to do this, just ask and I’ll help you find the way. And do eat properly as you go!

Faery blessings on the growing!

And now for the journey to the Tor…

I usually begin these journeys by entering a cave, but that doesn’t feel right tonight. I let my mind wander, looking for a way in, allowing impressions to simply arise in my mind. I gradually realize that I’m surrounded by mist and darkness. I don’t see a way at all. But then a thought drifts by that the theme here is probably about trusting the process. As soon as that dawns (O, the fae are such punsters), I sense myself standing in misty moonlight. Pale in the western sky is the setting Moon. She looks about five days old — more than a slim new crescent but less than a quarter — She is young, full of hopes and dreams and creative energy, and closely following the Sun.

Barely, I see the darkness of Glastonbury Tor outlined against the lighter, but darkening sky. Walking towards the crest of the Tor is easy walking — far easier for me than climbing it in the so-called “real” world — just a gentle upward slope. (Or I’m stronger here, which is something to think about later.) Barefoot, the grass tenderly caresses my soles. Lightly moving upward, I begin to see the silhouette of St. Michael’s Tower against the starless sky. As always, from a distance, there are faint lights moving around the tower as the energy fountains up from the many ley lines here.

No one else seems to be there — no faery, no people, no ancestors, no winds — just silence, so I simply sit on the grass, patiently still. After a while a small, white, short-haired kitten, hight Gwenhwyfar, comes and sits precariously on my knee. She is so young, she is still wobbly. I ask her if she is my guide, and she nods her head vigorously, nearly falling over. She has long tufts on her ears, and they are very charming, waving in the moonlit air.

She hops down onto the grass, regains her balance, and skitters off, racing around the tower — one, two, three circuits deasil, followed by three circles widdershins. She then dashes into the tower, and squeaks loudly to call me. I get up. (Getting up from the ground is also much easier than I’m accustomed to in “real” life as well — perhaps I should come here to live!) Following Gwenhwyfar into the tower, I expect it to be dark — and it is as dark as it can possibly be.

My toes bump against stone. Bending over and feeling the stone with my hand I find stone steps, which I’ve never seen in the tower before. They stick out from the wall, with spaces between them, like the spiral steps in a round tower. Since St. Michael’s tower is square, it provides a larger step at every corner. It’s probably just as well that I can’t see their worn, irregular shapes. Above my head, Gwenhwyfar mews loudly, her voice echoing up and down the tower like an full choir of kittens.

It seems that the easiest thing to do is to go up on all fours as she did. But it isn’t — I hadn’t realized I was wearing a robe, which is now tangling under my feet. Carefully standing erect again with my left hand on the wall and lifting the robe with my right, I can creep up the stones without stumbling. Gwenhwyfar startles me by racing down and brushing around my ankles, saying “Mrrr, mrrrrrr!” which clearly means “Hurry up!”

After several more steps, I feel a soft pressure on the top of my head as if I were pushing against a light balloon. Suddenly, with a pop the pressure disappears and my head pokes through … something. Now my eyes are in the light, but below them everything is still in darkness. The light is silvery-clear and there is something floating in it — dust motes? Faery glitter? Tiny, they are, yet intensely bright. Carefully, but a bit lighter and faster, I continue up the stairs until my feet also enter the light. I’d like to sit down there, but Gwenhwyfar is hooking her tiny claws into the hem of my robe, tugging so hard I’m afraid that she will tumble off the steps. It feels like a very long way down.

Hmmm… if she is a spirit cat or a faery cat or even an imaginary cat, would the fall hurt her? Or would she simply levitate up and bat me on the nose for recalcitrance? Best not to find out any of those things, best just to go to the top and hope for a place to rest there.

Climbing up, the light changes — first to a gentle red, then to pale peach, then a light but warmly sunny yellow, a clear cool sea green, a dreamy blue, crystalline amethyst, and then the purest white I can imagine. We are at the top, no doors, no windows, the narrow openings to the outside are below us, and although I know there is no roof above us, there is a pearlescent something — a mist? An out-of-focus ceiling? It glows.

It was a long ascent upward. I sit on the top step and Gwenhwyfar leans against me. I feel her purring. She climbs up my robe, vibrating busily. Kitten-like, she wants to be on top of my head. Her purr resonates in my skull, echos in my mouth.

The air gradually fills with a wordless musical hum, at first barely audible, then becoming more clear as we listen. It sounds like antiphonal plainsong without words. The high notes are almost the chime of small silver bells, the rich low tones make the tower tremble, the notes between all reverberate, resounding from my bones, from all of the rigid or taut places within me. As they sound the muscles go soft, the notes going through the bones like a hollow flute, hallowed by their song.

I don’t know how long I sit here — or even where I “really” am. The purr chases its own tail within me like musical laughter until my whole self smiles, and I drift away… somewhere, nowhere, everywhere — energy and light singing within and around me.

After I come back feeling much lighter, happier, and more blessed than I did, I drew another card to see what the Oracle had to say about all this.

From the Faeries’ Oracle…

The Singer of Transfiguration congratulates you on the growing and transforming you have been doing! It has not been an easy path and you may not feel quite settled into your new way of being yet, but you’re almost there.

Trust the process!

And a thousand, thousand faery blessings upon your transformation!

In the morning there will be dew everywhere, sparkling in the sun.

*********

For me, there are several points of special interest here, but I think I’ll save my thoughts on them until I see if you have any comments or questions.

And next time, I think I’ll go to the Chalice Well…